Who I try to be...

The life of a minister is a hard one. No, I don't compare it to the hard that a blue-collared oilfield worker or rancher endures. The hard part is finding an identity within it. It is difficult to teach, counsel, and give advice every week in the midst of your own faults. It's hard to live a life that is suppose to be "above reproach" when you know your own heart. It's hard to be in a position that is forced to worry about how people view you and not appear hypocritical to your own family. My dad was a minister...my father-in-law was a minister. Even I, as a fellow minister found it hard to look at their combination of faults and ministries and not be judgmental, so "oh how people close to me must view me!"

Well, I want to be as transparent as possible and for people to know that I see my faults...including the fault that we all have of not seeing all our faults...does that make sense? Well, here's transparent:

I don't know where more fault lies, but the combination of how my kids act and how impatient I am is making my relationship with them very difficult when I'm with them too much. I feel even worse when I go away for the day, return to find them excited to see and running up to tell me about their day, and what I really want is to go lock myself in a room just a little while longer.

I don't smoke or drink, but I have done both in the past. I don't really even like to drink, but I do envy smokers. Not that if I wasn't a minister I would do it because I don't like that I would smell like it all the time and the health factors, but it is vice I would deal with. When I commuted to school in Dallas, I sometimes had a couple on the way home to help stay awake...or that was my excuse anyway.

I don't like to do all the planning for stuff--trips, events, or whatever. I like for someone else to. However, if I see something I could have done to make it better, but it's too late, then I feel really guilty. "I should have thought of that" makes me angry at myself, so that usually drives me to do it anyway--especially if no one else wants to plan it.

I'm very competitive, but very strict on myself and others about staying within the rules. I want to win but I won't cheat to win. I don't get angry at others on my team that play for fun because I don't even think I have to win...I just want to do all I can to make it happen.

I feel I have very few talents, so I try to overcomensate by overusing the ones I do have. In other words, I can't do much, so what I can do I try to be perfect at. Problem is, there's no perfect, so I stay disappointed in myself. I feel like a failure a lot of the times when something small didn't work out.

I hate being misunderstood. It bothers me when I have a couple of friends mad at each other because of a misunderstanding. It drives me absolutely crazy when someone is upset at me because of a misunderstanding. I can't help myself but to want to make them see what I'm really thinking because I just know if they really knew what was in my head and heart, everything would be just fine.

I don't fear death, but I'm not sure if it has more to with being a Christian or the fact that I wouldn't have to worry about making anymore mistakes.

Sports is my escape, but I don't know if that's good or bad.

I do pray daily...I rarely get into my vehicle alone without praying about something.

I don't read my Bible like I should.

The combination of being stretched very thin and doing a poor job weighs heavy on me.

I don't want to appear okay or appear to be a good dad or husband or friend. I want to be a good one...I just don't always know how to make it happen.

I feel like my quiet and driven personality is mistaken for judgmental, critical, and "no nonsense".

I hate how long it takes for me to change. I hate that it takes even longer for others to accept and see that I've changed. However, I have a hard time accepting that someone else has changed. I guess both have to do with the fact that most people don't change. I feel like the last 7 years has been a long slow process of changing some things about me for the good. It's been stunted at times by life problems and my own stubbornness, but it's disheartening that the people closest to me might not have noticed or believed it happened.

God looks different to me all the time. I don't know if I'm getting a clearer picture as I go along or if I just don't know him like I think I do or should.

I do think that being a minister keeps a lot of people from wanting me around too much...if they only knew the mess I know I am they wouldn't be worried.

I wish I had time for a nap every day. I think it would make my day go better. I only need about 30 minutes, but it's not about finding the 30 minutes...it's about finding 30 minutes when I can empty my head.

That's all for now...