THE GOOD WIFE

This forward came to me over the weekend. I researched it and it is actually from a Maryland Newpaper from the 1960s that has been reprinted hundreds of times. Obviously, the only writing to totally transcend time is the Bible, but how do you think this list of things it takes to be a good wife stands the test of time? My thoughts follow the article:

1. The good wife, grown-up enough to give as well as to receive, has the capacity to provide her husband with emotional support when needed.

That is, she is sensitive to his feelings and moods. When he is preoccupied by tensions outside the home, she knows he is not rejecting her. If he needs praise, she’s able to offer it. In crises, she stands by him: if he loses his job or fails in a venture, she doesn’t blame him entirely, but puts on a good face and does all she can to see him through the ordeal.

She understands his impulses even though she may disapprove of his behavior. Let me illustrate with a case at one of our agencies. Barbara had married Fred, a widower with a grown daughter and two grandchildren. Fred tended to go overboard with financial help to his daughter. Last summer, he sent both grandchildren to an expensive camp, thus depriving Barbara and himself of a longer vacation. But Barbara realized that Fred’s daughter resented his second marriage and perhaps this was his way of winning her over. Instead of expressing resentment, Barbara accepted his gesture as a wish to be a good father and grandfather — an emotional need that had to be satisfied.

2, To be able to give her husband emotional support, the good wife develops her own potentialities as a human being. Retaining her individuality and independence, she may take courses in adult education, cultivate her talents, or participate in community affairs. Thus, she fulfills herself as a person and still pulls her oar as a wife. At the same time, she grows along with her husband, expanding her horizons with his and broadening her interests as he moves ahead. She is able to keep pace with him. adjusting to the many and various changes and emotional cycles in their love.

3. Her expectations of what her husband can do are realistic. Take the case of Joan and Paul Meadows, for example. As an orphaned child, Joan had been placed in one foster home after another. Instability marked her entire youth. When she married Paul, a truck driver, Joan realized he had far less education and intelligence than she, but he was steady and predictable, giving her the security she needed. Joan manages the finances, plans for the children, and makes the major decisions, yet she makes Paul feel he is the boss at home. She has never berated him for his inability to increase his income. Joan sees her husband in a true light.

4. The good wife shares her husband’s goals, fitting them to her own. She is willing to wait patiently for the ultimate rewards. In attaining these objectives, she shares responsibilities as well as pleasures and problems. A fairly common case in point is a couple I’ll call Ed and Betty Jackson. Ambitious to get ahead, Ed started as a salesman in a demanding business. He worked late hours and traveled a good deal. Although she was annoyed and lonely from time to time, Betty adapted herself to the situation. She learned to make casserole dishes that wouldn’t spoil when he came home late, and made the most of their few hours together. Now that Ed has been made an executive, they have household help and more time to spend with each other. Recently, the Jacksons took a long-dreamed-of trip to Europe. As her husband’s “partner,” Betty had played her role well in his hard climb upward.

5. Through the warmth of her affection, the good wife helps keep their love alive. She sends him off with a kiss in the morning and greets him as fondly when he returns. To her, physical love is a symbol of devotion rather than an end in itself, and she is aware that such physical need is usually greater in the male. The considerate wife lets her mate know that she finds him desirable, and never makes him feel inadequate as a male.

6. The good wife has a deep, abiding, confident faith in the man she has married. She wants others to respect him as she does. In a group conversation, she permits him to take the lead and shouldn’t interrupt him constantly or spoil his joke - She avoids criticizing him in public. Nor does she disparage associates and friends he admires. She follows an open-door policy for them in her heart even if she finds them dull or sometimes dependable. She may compromise gracefully, however, by not seeing them too often.

7. While she enjoys her husband’s companionship, the good wife doesn’t become too dependent on it. Respecting his need for occasional privacy, she learns when to keep quiet if she’s aware he is upset or uncommunicative. If he’d rather read or watch a ball game on television, she avoids disturbing him with idle chatter. While family unity is desirable, she doesn’t force him into “togetherness.” If her husband invites her to join him in golf, fishing, or bowling — and she’s interested — she’ll go along for the comradeship. But if he prefers some social time with other men, and she senses that she shouldn’t intrude, the good wife doesn’t consider this a personal affront. She knows she doesn’t have to be in her husband’s corner every moment of his free time.

8. Social scientists agree that emancipation from parental domination is essential to harmony in marriage. The good wife doesn’t run off to mother every time she’s up against a situation she can’t handle. While she maintains close ties with her parents, their wishes do not control her decisions. No longer their “little girl,” she has assumed the full stature of a wife. Her mother’s advice may be helpful, but the smart wife knows that it must not intrude on the young couple’s privacy. Toward her husband’s parents, she is accepting. Tactfully, she arranges to see them regularly (if that’s what her husband wants), and takes their suggestions with grace. But she and her husband still hold the reins at home.

9. Considering homemaking her profession, she enjoys being a capable household manager, even if she has an outside job, too. Home should be more than a place for her husband to hang his hat — he should find pleasure in returning to it each day. She makes every effort to keep their home reasonably cheerful, a restful haven. Meals are enticing in variety. Unless he’s willing to do such household chores as washing dishes or changing diapers, she does not insist on it. Although he can help around the house, her mate isn’t converted into a “mother substitute.” If she has a part-time career or full-time job, it doesn’t take priority in her life, and her own work should not become more important to her than his.

10. Conflicts are normal in marriage, and the astute wife doesn’t let tensions pile up; she works them out as they come along. Above all, she must be able to communicate her feelings and respect her husband’s, though they may differ. She tries to find out what’s “eating” her mate, concedes that his viewpoint may be reasonable and opens the way to discussion and compromise. When she knows the “sore spots” in his personality, she avoids the temptation to strike at them. If she has a grievance herself, she tries to choose the right time and place to air it, limiting her arguments to relevant facts. Above all, she retains her sense of humor and sense of proportion.

What about her function as a mother? Having children is a joint goal, an expression of a couple’s affection for each other. Generally, the American woman today takes a dominant role when the children are young, but the good wife doesn’t shut out her husband or lessen her devotion to him. She divides her love between him and the children. From the beginning, she encourages him to share in their rearing and guidance. When they misbehave, she handles the problem as it comes up: she doesn’t put him in the unfavorable position of a dreaded disciplinarian by threatening her children with: “Wait till Daddy comes home!” He does his part when he’s at home, and she backs him up in his methods of punishment.

I just thought it was a good read to discuss because I can see women that agree and disagree with it, and I could see men that agree and disagree with it.

I can see women who would say this is how it should be because too many women become self-centered and make their happiness dependent on what they want instead of tending to the family God blessed them with. This was written in a time when divorce rates weren't near what they are now. Saying that this list describes exactly what God means by submitting to your husband and being his helper.

I can see women who disagree and say they can tell it must have come from the 1960s. Saying that women actually weren't happy that way, and that this list is not for the modern era.

I can see men that agree with this list and say that this is the wife's role in their marriage, but I can also see men that would read this list and feel threatened to admit that they need these things from their wife.

My stance: Well, I do like the list because I know enough men and how they are wired to know they do need these things. When they don't get them, they have a tendency to become the jerks that so many women hate to see. Oh, there are some modern twists that might need to be added, but I think there are only two true conditions to accepting this as a true list of things a good wife is.
1. One is to have an equal list of what it takes to be a good husband. If you have a good wife, and the husband is still a jerk and simply expects these things, then you have a good wife and a bad marriage. If a wife is this giving to the relationship and role as a mother and wife, then the husband needs to be as well.
2. The expectations of each item on this list have to be realistic. This isn't a 1960s TV show and no woman can be these things all the time. Not all women are fantastic cooks. Not all can jump in and handle the finances. Not all women have the organizational skills to keep a clean house without the help of the husband when they have kids at home and work outside the home.

I think the list more accurately describes the "needs" of the husband and how they can be "perfectly met" in a perfect world. I don't think the husband necessarily needs all these things done, but what he needs is to recognize the effort the wife puts into them. Notice that each one focuses on why the husband needs those things rather than just going with the basic notions (like he wants a clean house because clean is better).

Here is what I think has changed with time: I think that each couple must find the balance of "duties" that suits them. This balance can happen with the husband doing more than this list suggests as long as the needs he has behind these things are still being met.

But, I'm no marriage counselor, so...